FUCK YOU AND YOUR BITTER JEALOUS LONELINESS HOWARD STERN
Not the heroes we thought we needed but the heroes we really needed all along
Empowered by a righteous anger, I have returned to avenge a perceived slight on my person! Yes that’s right, I am unsatisfied with a purchase that I made yesterday, and am convinced that this dissatisfaction was manufactured on purpose, by you, solely to inconvenience me!
A refund? A REFUND?! It sickens me to my core that you could feasibly think a refund will undo the emotional damage I have suffered these past hours. The heights of elation generated by a successful purchase, STOLEN from me by faulty workmanship. Heed this, lowly register peasant: I have spent this previous evening wracked by tremors of rage, only now barely contained beneath a calm facade. I have seethed with…
…Oh, you’ll throw in a gift card? Yeah, it’s fine then. No biggie.
The Inner Monologue of Customers I hate.
This is it: the biggest moment of my life. I hold in my hands TWO candy bars. In my left, the superbly satisfying Snickers bar. In my right, the crunchy cookie and creamy chocolate of a Twix. How can any one person bear the pressure of this choice? Kingdoms have surely risen and fallen for less.
What’s that? How do you expect me to focus on the cavalcade of customers gathering behind me while the very fate of my stomach hangs in the balance?! Sir, this decision will determine how sated I am for the next 20 minutes AT LEAST.
Wait, you guys have Sour Patch Kids too? Hold on, I need to make a Venn Diagram.
The Direction- “Give him a lot of great big kisses”